Not a Photographer, but maybe a photographer.

I realized I needed my own camera after being frustrated that others around me with equipment in hand didn't see what I saw, and those things and moments and people were passing by and dissolving into time with NO ONE CAPTURING THEM. It was more than I could stand, especially when those moments involved my children!

When I was a kid, we drove from North Carolina to Utah, and I spent most of the drive laying on a bench seat in the family van looking straight up outside gawking at the amazing scenery. I had nothing else to capture what I saw, so I used crayons and a ring bound sketch book and drew the mountains and fields, and skies and moons I saw as we drove across the country. Every state was different and I was amazed at all the colors and textures and lights and places I saw and I wanted to get them down, somehow. I didn't think my pictures would look like much to anyone else, but they would at least remind me what I had seen.

My daughter Hazel fingerpainting

I'm not a Photographer. But maybe I could be a photographer, you know? The more I learn the more I realize that I don't know a damn thing. It's intimidating if you let it. When I started dating Ryan, I keenly felt that insecurity. But he has been so encouraging and helpful, I guess I got over myself and remembered that I just like taking pictures!

I decided not to care* that I didn't know shit because, just like my eleven-year-old self's crayon drawings would not win any awards (and honestly, they would not), they meant something to me because they reminded me of what I had seen. So, I guess my goal when I take a photograph is just to show others what I saw, or to record those fleeting, never-again moments that I used to watch streak past me. Now at least I have a way to remember them.

I love taking pictures of children, and a few weeks ago had the privilege of photographing several for friends. And now I'm learning a lesson. I find the darkroom tough. I have this notion that I should get it right in the camera so that I don't have to do a lot of crap in Photoshop and it's probably because I don't feel PS proficient.

Also, I have realized, if I wait too long to finish post processing I hate every photo I took and am overwhelmed with the desire to dump the entire file in the trash and start over. Maybe I just need to learn to love Photoshop. Or maybe I just need to get over myself. Again.

A boy and a truck.

* Okay, I lied. I do care that I don't know shit and I am always reading something to help me learn more. I just finished this book. I need to read it again. And, uh, again.